When Propos Go Horribly Wrong
by RecusantMaverick
Summary: Some propos go wrong. Some go horribly wrong. And some are horrific, terrible failures. All three tend to be amusing, but not for poor old Plutarch. This tells the story of the greatest fails ever broadcast. 1: Some rescues just weren't meant to be... 2: Heroic invasions may mean well, but don't always go well.
1. Chapter 1

**Propos: Ten of the Best(or Worst)**

**A/N: Because not every propo is a success...**

**1: When filming a rescue, make sure it doesn't go horribly wrong. **

Plutarch was sure that everything was ready. Dramatic music (from something called James Bond) was playing. The cameras were rolling. A crack team of rebels were ready... well, _maybe_.

Plutarch critically looked over the squad. Gale was darkly moping about Katniss, the District 13 soldiers and Finnick were playing a much-modified version of Angry Birds on their communicuffs, and Haymitch was, well, being Haymitch.

"Oh, bugger," swore Plutarch," Why can't we ever get a decent bloody crack team. Well, these guys won't do."

"Soldiers!"

"Why won't Katniss like me? Maybe Peeta just needs to 'accidentally' cop it? A pod could 'accidentally' fall in his way?" Gale mused, oblivious to Plutarch.

"Ha!" one of the District 13 soldiers was saying," One hundred and twenty three thousand. Three stars. Beat that!"

"YEAH!" Finnick shouted," 130,000! Suck on that!"

"Guinness, Carlsberg. Guinness, Carlsberg. Which beer?" mused Haymitch.

"SOLDIERS!"

This time, the 'crack squad' stood to attention, the District 13 soldiers hurriedly closing down Angry Birds. Finnick continued to play secretly. Plutarch didn't know how the guy could actually play Angry Birds on a trident, but suspected Beetee was behind it.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? A CRACK SQUAD? WAS COIN ON CRACK WHEN SHE SENT ME THIS?" Plutarch demanded.

Unfortunately, the ex-Gamemaker had forgotten the cameras were still filming - and streaming straight to Beetee, and the unamused Coin behind him...

"Crack? Guinness, Carlsberg? Crack?"

"Go home, Haymitch, you're drunk," sighed Plutarch.

The mentor happily did so, heading straight for the hospital, now miraculously sober. After all, Katniss needed cheering up, and he was _sure_ Plutarch wouldn't mind the propo being streamed across 13.

Plutarch continued to rage, his focus now on the District 13 soldiers and the oblivious Finnick.

"And you guys! You thought you could play Angry Birds during a serious meeting! Well, _nothing_ escapes Plutarch 'Batman' Heavensbee! _NOTHING_!"

President Coin was having serious doubts as to the sanity of this guy. Maybe it hadn't been a good idea to make him second in command.

"Beetee?"

"Yes President?"

"What's Batman?" demanded Coin.

"A fictional superhero they had in the old days. He went round in a cape fighting the bad guys."

"Why's Plutarch wanting to be Batman? He's a politician, not a superhero!"

Beetee shrugged.

"I don't know, but I don't think 13 are _too_ impressed with him."

'Not too impressed' was an understatement. Plutarch had almost started a riot by condemning Angry Birds, and only Coin hurriedly telling the population that they were in fact still allowed to play Angry Birds stopped said riot. Now 13 watched in shocked amusement as Plutarch continued to rant.

"GALE!"

"Yes, sir?"

"QUIT MOANING! WE'RE THE CRACK SQUAD, NOT THE _TWILIGHT_ SQUAD!"

"Of course, sir," said Gale.

Plutarch breathed in heavily.

"CRACK SQUAD?"

"Yes sir?"

"Board the hovercraft," Plutarch commanded," To the Capitol, and to rescue the victors."

Plutarch watched as his Crack Squad boarded the craft. There was nothing they could do wrong now, _was there_?

As it happened, there was lots that could go wrong onboard the craft. Number one was a singalong.

"We're going this way, that way, forwards and backwards, over District Thirteen! A great big gun to shoot Capitol scum and that's the life for me!"

"Soldiers!"

"We're going this way, that way-"

"SHUT UP!"

"No need to shout," replied Gale, who had been leading the singalong.

Plutarch fumed silently, but couldn't think of a comeback. Oh well, at least nothing _else_ could go wrong.

The next thing that went wrong was when the hovercraft started to fly in the wrong direction.

"WOO-HOO!" Gale yelled," MIAMI HERE WE COME!"

"SOLDIER HAWTHORNE!"

"Yeah?"

"WE'RE GOING TO THE CAPITOL, MORON! REMEMBER THE RESCUE MISSION?"

"Who cares about the rescue mission? _Screw_ the victors!"

"Hey!" protested Finnick.

"Not you, buddy," said Gale." Anyway, Miami's really nice when its been destroyed by the apocalypse. Nobody goes there anymore."

Plutarch looked at the dashboard.

"You do know that you're not actually heading for Miami, don't you?"

"Of course we are," Gale said dismissively," Apple Maps never lies."

Plutarch facepalmed. Then he realised where the craft was heading for.

"YOU'RE HEADING FOR MOUNT ST HELENS, MORON!"

As it happened, they just missed smashing into the mountain, and Plutarch reinstated the old pilot, who managed to fly them into Capitol airspace. Of course, that was when the next thing went wrong.

A whoosh of air was heard, and Plutarch realised that the flap at the bottom of the hovercraft had been opened. Sighing, he went down to fix it, and found Gale, looking down at the ground through the hole, with a pile of rocks by his side.

"Yo, Plutarch! Check out this hole! I'm going to throw stones at the Capitol people through here!"

With that, Gale reached for a rock, and dropped it through the hole.

President Snow was pruning his roses when the rock hit, smashing the roof of his greenhouse and knocking him unconscious.

"_Mete_-OWWWW!"

"YEAHHHH!" exclaimed Gale," TWENTY FIVE POINTS, BABY!"

"That was _never_ twenty five points," said a voice, and Plutarch was unsurprised to see Finnick crawl out from behind a panel," _This_ is what twenty five points looks like."

Snow had just got back up when another rock whistled through the air. Only this time, it looked a lot more like a meteor.

"Are you taking the piss?" demanded Snow, as the rock obliterated his greenhouse," Are you- OWWWW-"

Finnick grabbed some binoculars, and a smile lit up his face as he saw Snow lying on the ground.

"UP YOURS, SNOW!" he shouted," NOW _THAT'S_ TWENTY FIVE POINTS!"

"No, it's not."

"Yes it is!" declared Finnick."

"Isn't!"

"Is!"

"Isn't!"

"Is!"

"Is not!"

"SHUT UP!" roared Plutarch, tipping the pile of rocks out of the hovercraft, where they struck a really, really pissed off Snow.

"Sir! You scored thirty points!" Finnick exclaimed.

"I don't care!" yelled Plutarch.

"I don't care, I love it!" sang Gale," I dumped a load of rocks on President Snow, but I don't care, I love it!"

"SHUT UP!" yelled Plutarch again, and the two meekly followed him up into the hovercraft.

The Crack Squad were lined up outside the prison, ready to go. Dramatic effects were ready. The music was playing.

"WHAT THE _HELL_ IS THAT?"

Plutarch's steely gaze was fixed on the book in Gale's hand.

"Twilight, sir," said Gale.

"And why did you bring that abomination?"

"Watch," said Gale.

As if on cue, two Peacekeepers turned the corner.

"Now, we could shoot the Peacekeepers," began Gale.

"Or stab them with a pointed stick," a District 13 soldier called Bob said.

"Or stab them with a pointed stick," agreed Gale," But when we load our guns with Twilight-"

He fired, and copies of Twilight struck the Peacekeepers, whose eyes began to burn as they read. Within seconds, the Peacekeepers had knocked themselves out to escape the horror.

"Now, if we want more permanent damage, we use New Moon. If we want them _dead_, we use Eclipse. And if we use Breaking Dawn..."

Gale gulped.

"Let's not go there. The only person who deserves that is Snow, and he _likes_ Twilight."

Solemnly, the Crack Squad continued through the prison, weapons blazing, feeling almost sorry for the Peacekeepers. Everything was going well - so well, in fact, that Finnick had stopped playing Angry Birds and joined the competition to see who could knock out the most Peacekeepers. Of course, nothing lasts forever.

"Ding-dong!"

The sound resonated through the prison, doubtless waking up the guards.

"GALE!"

"Sir?"

"Why did you _ring the doorbell?_"

"Because it's polite," replied Gale calmly.

Plutarch shook his head, bemused. Then he heard a massive explosion.

"Hmm," wondered Finnick," What does this button marked DO NOT PRESS do?"

"Not much, apparently," he mused, having pressed the button," After all, that massive explosion must've been something else. Oh well. I might as well get playing the new Call of Duty."

"FINNICK!" roared Plutarch.

"DIE, STUPID ZOMBIES!" yelled Finnick.

"Excuse me?"

"Oh, hi there Plutarch," Finnick said, quickly quitting his game.

"What was that massive explosion?"

"I don't know," shrugged Finnick," That button over there's broken, by the way."

Plutarch went over to the button, and pressed it experimentally.

"PLUTARCH!" scolded Finnick," It was you who made that explosion!"

"No, hey, what?" stuttered the ex-Gamemaker.

Finnick gave a wide smile, looking over Plutarch's soldier to see a newly-open door, marked PRISONERS.

"Great job, mate," he said, speeding off to the door, and leaving Plutarch standing there while the Crack Squad heroically rescued the prisoners.

"_WHAT_?"

Plutarch's only consolation was that it couldn't get any worse. Nothing could be worse than your moronic 'Crack Squad' annoying you all mission, then stealing the glory, and then telling Coin everything. Still, the Katniss/Peeta reunion was coming up, and that could save this propo. Plutarch watched as Katniss stepped towards Peeta - and was promptly strangled.

"You've got to be kidding me."

**A/N: So, what do you think? I do not own the Hunger Games, Twilight, or anything referenced in here. Can anyone spot the Monty Python reference?**

**RecusantMaverick( A.K.A Eaglistic)**


	2. Chapter 2

When Propos Go Horribly Wrong

**Two: Heroic invasions of the Capitol usually don't work.**

"Da-da, dadada. Dadadaa," hummed Gale as the Crack Squad advanced. Ironically, they had become the #1 squad after the rescue, directly under Coin's command, although Plutarch still hung on to his career. Now, with two new additions ( Katniss and Peeta), they continued through the Capitol. Unfortunately they were lacking in the brain department, and completely missed the reason for Peeta's arrival.

"Yo, P-Man!" Finnick exclaimed.

"Hey," said Peeta." Listen, I've got something _really_ important to tell you-"

He was cut off by a rattle of machine-gun fire from a 'Peacekeeper', narrowly missing Gale, who was still humming the James Bond theme song.

Back in 13, Coin was cursing the Crack Squad's luck.

"Damn!" she yelled." Stupid _morons_ get lucky!"

She facepalmed when she realised the Top Moron, Gale Hawthorne, was singing 'Get Lucky' while avoiding every pod that had just happened to fall in his way.

"Never fear, _Batman_ is here!"

Coin slipped even further towards the desk, and Plutarch burst into the room.

"Really, 'Batman'? 'Cause I thought you were the _Joker_," snapped Coin.

A hurt 'Batman' stormed off, and Coin commissioned yet another assassin.

But it wasn't the assassin that ended up damaging the squad. Nor was it a pod, or an actual Peacekeeper. No, it was Gale's singing.

"Let's go crazy crazy crazy!"

Gale's awful singing combined with the song stirred memories in the hijacked Peeta, and he began to change.

"He's becoming the Hulk!" Finnick cried.

"RUN!" Gale screamed.

"I was hijacked, and I feel _EPIC_," said Hijacked-Peeta.

"I _am_ EPIC," replied Gale.

"No, I am!" protested Hijacked-Peeta.

Back in 13, Coin sighed, something she was doing a lot lately. Peeta wasn't doing anything, the morons were still alive and Plutarch was tearing around 13 proclaiming he was Batman. This really wasn't going well.

"We're both EPIC," decided Peeta.

"Yeah," said Gale." Let's go smash up the Capitol. Should be fun!"

Two hours later, and the Crack Squad were stuck in the middle of the Capitol, trapped in the biggest shopping centre in existence.

"'Let's go smash up the Capitol', he said. 'It'll be fun', he said," quoted Finnick.

"Shut it," hissed Gale." My spidey-senses are tingling."

"_BOO_!"

The Crack Squad jumped, and two Peacekeepers waved as they stepped from a glass lift. They didn't get far, as Katniss shot them both through the heart.

"You're no fun," cursed the 'Keepers as they died.

"How dare they!" Gale roared." Hulk! Avengers, assemble!"

The squad looked at him blankly, and Gale shook his head.

"Never mind," he said." Hulk, do your thing."

Peeta-Hulk strode off, smashing up the shopping centre and its Peacekeepers while Gale sorted the weapons.

"Gale, there's something you have to know," said Katniss.

"Yes?" Gale asked, fiddling with a grenade.

"Coin hates us, and is trying to kill us," said Katniss urgently." Probably 'cause I stole her Jaffa Cakes, or maybe because Finnick accidentally hurled his trident at her-"

"Or because I tested out our secret weapon near her?" Gale added.

"What secret weapon?" Katniss asked.

Gale smiled.

"This secret weapon."

The speakers across the centre kicked in, and a horrible noise came from them.

"Baby, baby, baby, ohhhhhhhhhh! Babbbbbyyyyyyy, baaabbby ohh!"

"That's horrible, Gale! That violates human rights? What rule book are you following?" Katniss screamed.

"President Snow's," Gale said, withdrawing said rulebook." Literally. Number 20: sing Justin Bieber at enemies."

"Whatever," said Katniss." Let's go."

"THEY ESCAPED?" Coin roared.

"Yes, miss," a meek Plutarch replied.

"Hi!" Gale said, smiling.

"They're in the house!" Plutarch yelled." Batman will stop them!"

"The Crack Squad are in the house tonight! Everybody's gonna have a good time - apart from you, Coin," sang Gale.

"Nananananananananana Batman!" Plutarch responded, flinging himself in front of Coin, where Katniss 'accidentally' tripped 'Batman'.

"You won't get away with this," said Coin menacingly.

"Bollocks," replied Gale.

"Excuse me!" Coin yelled.

"You're not excused," said Gale.

"Excuse me!"

"Didn't you hear me?" Gale asked.

"I'm getting sick of this," said Katniss, and knocked Coin unconscious before stealing her Jaffa Cakes once more.

"Let's get outta here," said Gale, picking a pack of Jammy Dodgers.

"Let's," agreed Peeta, and the Crack Squad left.

Plutarch awoke. Far too late.

"Nanananananananannanana Batman - STUPID CRACK SQUAD!"

**A/N: Please review!**


End file.
